Looking at your insides is weeeird

Today, Dear Readers, I was violated by a very cute and perky ultrasound technician. She didn't even buy me dinner first.

The plus side of this situation is that I don't have tons of cysts. I have one, and it's the "normal" kind. So, it comes down to the bloodwork.

And, if I weren't just so tired, I would tell you the story about the guy on the bus who was a litigious jerk. In fact, tomorrow I will. But for now, Comedy Central is calling my name.

My insides

Hello, Readers. My name is [redacted] and I'm an insomniac.

It's 2am here, and yet ... not sleepy. Generally, this is because I can sleep in as late as I want now that it's officially summer vacation, but mostly it's nerves tonight.

Tomorrow I see my insides. My doctor wants an ultrasound of my ovaries. And while I'll also get the blood test done, if there are cysts tomorrow, it means PCOS. Which really kind of sucks. I mean, it's not the end of the world. But it means permanent changes. And that blows.

In hilarious news, when I scheduled the ultrasound I made a huge ass of myself. I called the handy dandy number to the imaging department or whatever they're called, and indicated I need a pelvic ultrasound. The woman on the other end said, "Oh, so you're pregnant?" I shouldn't have been caught off guard -- that's the most common reason a woman would have an ultrasound. But I was a little shocked and it took me a second to respond. And when she asked again, "For pregnancy?" Instead of saying, "No, they think I have PCOS," I instead blurted out, "I'd better NOT be pregnant." What can I say? Five gets worried when she's not on her birth control pills, even when we're safe.

I don't think this woman was amused.

Anyway, at 1:30pm today (because it is past midnight, after all) I will see my ovaries. And I'll have one more clue in the puzzle of WTF is wrong with me.

Finally: is it in poor taste to name at least one of my ovaries "Lumpy" if I have cysts?

My grocey list

Thanks for the great comments on my last post. You ladies have given me a lot to think about with regard to how I see my body, and how that effects my progress. I've got lots of thoughts, but they're not ready for the blog yet. Sometime this week, have another post on the subject, I'm sure.

But for today, I'd like to share my awesome grocery trip. See, I'm trying to be better. Not that I'm bad overall, but it's always good to strive for healthier food, right? Here's what I came home with:

* Free range chicken tenderloins (~2lbs)
* Turkey smoked sausage (2 packs)
* Fresh shaved low fat turkey lunch meat (.7lb)
* Salmon fillets (1lb)
* Braeburn/Granny Smith apples
* Grapes
* Tomatoes
* Spring mix
* Low fat cheese slices
* Light and Fit yogurt (the big tub)
* Carrots
* Garlic Hummus
* Eggs
* 2 Amy's black bean burritos
* goat cheese
* pesto
* skim milk

I also have a ton of frozen veggies in my freezer, as well as a lot of Dreamfields in my pantry. I didn't buy bread, but I have a loaf for toast in the morning (the super thin sliced variety so I eat less of it).

Does this compare to what the rest of you are buying? Anything that I'm not buying that you always buy? I'm always up for new foods!

Interesting thought

So, I'm watching Harry Potter with Boyfriend, and I wonder ...

When do I stop being "fat"? Is it at my goal weight? When I hit a certain size? BMI? Percentage of body fat?

I'm 20+lbs lighter, and feel like I look a lot skinnier around my middle, but I still FEEL just as fat as I did at 214. Mentally, I'm still 214. I'm in awe when old clothes don't fit, or I can wear a size 14.

I think it's because I've been big since puberty (hello? PCOS sign? I think so). I've always identified myself as a "big girl" and I've always been ashamed of it. Starting this blog was hard for that reason. Typing "fat" is hard. There's a lot of baggage that goes along with that honesty.

So, when do I get to say I'm not fat anymore? I know there's no right answer, but what do y'all think?

Hairs cut

I got my hairs cut today, and I'm really not sure what to think about the new 'do. I'm really picky about my hair when it's short, so I leave it to you -- what do you think, Internet?



Edited to add: I like the length, but felt that the layers were a little poufy, so I broke out the straightening iron ... here are the results:


The verdict? LOVE.

I promise I'm done taking pictures of myself for a while :)

I'm not dying!

Hello, friends.

I'm just back from my meeting with my doctor re: my PCOS test.

Turns out, my results are possibly inconclusive. See, I had been off the pill for less than a month, so while my girly-whormones were a little out of whack, it may not be because my ovaries are staging a coup, but rather because they were all "WTF, were is my birth control, woman!?!"

So, we're running the test again. And we're going to do an ultrasound of my ovaries. Hawt, no?

But, in the meantime, she confirmed that my other bloodwork was normal -- great, even. My fasting blood sugar and insulin were indeed awesome. And my cholestrol was great. So, while I may have a mild case of PCOS, I don't have any of the scary symptoms that are really what's very problematic with the disorder.

Oh, and if I have it? I may be put on Metaformin (a drug generally prescribed for insulin resistance in PCOS patients) for a short while, which, evidently, will balance my hormones (and by that I clearly mean whoremones) and make it easier to lose weight. I don't have insulin resistance, so it's not as though it's something I would have to do, but it would probably make my weight loss easier and faster. And I'm all about that. I wouldn't have to be on it long-term, either. At most a year to drop the weight I want to, and then I'm back to medication-free. The great thing is, there really aren't side-effects (like actual diet drugs) and it's just balancing out my body so that the work I'm doing is more effective, like it is in people with "normal" metabolisms.

So, the news is -- there's really no news. I'm getting the conclusive tests done over the next few weeks. But, I feel better, knowing for sure that if I do have it, it's mild and treatable, and that after I lose weight, I may not even have to "treat" it. So, there you have it.

Oh, and something that was a lot more reassuring? My doctor has it, too. So she was able to give me first-hand experiences with the tests and medications.

Happy weekend, everyone! I'm going out with a group of friends to celebrate the fact that we've survived 1L and our 1L summers, and will be very bad, diet-wise. German resturant (the food of my people!). Beer. Carbs. Cheese.

But I'm doing an extra work out today. And in spite of the ice cream earlier this week, I've been very good, and have done a lot of cardio. Just no yoga until yesterday. Hear me justifying?

Anyway, I hope you're all as happy with your Friday as I am.

What a difference a week makes

I went to yoga for the first time in a week today.

I wanted to die.

To be fair to my poor body, the fill-in for Catherine was ... hard. She was really hard. But it's amazing what a week away from yoga does to my body. I never got seriously winded (I've been doing my cardio!), but I could feel that I wasn't as flexible or strong, and my already weak shoulders really didn't enjoy downward-dog tonight.

But I did rock the balancing poses.

In other news, I'm discussing my test results with my doctor tomorrow at noon.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Law Post!

So, we got journal offers today. No Review for me, which is fine.

But I'm on the next-best journal. In fact, my law school classifies it as a review.

It was a long day of being tied to my email, and checking literally every 10 minutes. Without fail. From 9am when I got the first offer until I got the email for the journal I wanted at 6:45pm.

I'm exhausted. I'm ecstatic.

I feel like all my hard work has paid off. And like I have been vindicated, after being on the wait list to begin with.

And so, I gave myself the day off. And I'm eating ice cream. Yes, I will pay for this with harder workouts during the week. But you know what?

I'm fine with that.

Dear Elliptical: I want to marry you.

My weekend workout schedule this summer is hit or miss. Allow me to explain.

Boyfriend is home every other weekend this summer, because his job is 3.5 hours from our lovely shared apartment. So, on weekends he's not here, I do a pretty good job of kicking ass and taking names. Or, I at least make sure to work out twice. Whichever seems most prudent at the time.

But then there are the weekends when he is in town. You see, usually I spend most of my weekend workout time at yoga, to rid myself of the stress of the past week and get set up for a good week to come. But Boyfriend doesn't do yoga (yet -- he has promised to try it in the fall when he has more cash), and the weekend classes are 1.5 hours, so I counting the time it would take me to get to and from the studio, I would lose 2 hours of precious Boyfriend time.

That is completely unacceptable, when I get roughly 96 hours per month with him, and about half of those are spent sleeping.

Enter the campus fitness centers. You see, students here can use them for free with a student ID. So, we can go together and work out.

And today we did. Despite a heavy lunch (I blame Boyfriend for wanting to get Reubens. In my defense, I only ate half!), I think I did a pretty good job. I worked on the elliptical for about 50 minutes and burned 650 calories. I may be ready to graduate to the treadmill soon for part of my cardio workout -- the elliptical no longer makes my heart feel like it's going to pop out of my chest. I'm a little wary, just because I think I jumped in too fast last time. But, I can go an hour on the elliptical without stopping and while keeping my heart rate at a good hard cardio pace. It's probably time to just take the plunge.

But the real reason I want to marry the elliptical is because of what it does for my butt. I felt muscles there that I never even knew I had. I make sure to work my calves too, of course, but about 60% of my time with my favorite machine today was focused on my thighs and my glutes. I so very desperately want my thighs to not rub together when I walk. And I want my butt to be high and tight.

Aside from the elliptical and the chair-sits/lunges we do at yoga for the legs and glutes, anyone have any lower-body sculpting exercises you swear by? I'm all ears.

LIfe is better today

Boyfriend's in town, and after a late-night "run" and a day of laundry (but otherwise laziness), I'm feeling much better.

The weather is gorgeous, and right outside the master balcony (be jealous), the sun is setting behind the hills of Pittsburgh. I'm lying in bed surfing the internet without the air on, and a nice breeze is rolling through the loft.

It's been a good day.