As the title says, I now remember how I got fat. Well, aside from the whole "hormonal imbalance" thing.
It's Indiana. But it's not why you think.
Yes, the foods we eat here aren't so healthy. There's a lot of "American" food. We like to deep fry things. It's really disgusting. But they do that in Pittsburgh, too. In fact, a "Pittsburgh Salad" is lettuce, cheese, chicken fingers, and FREAKING FRENCH FRIES slathered in ranch dressing.
It's not the food. It's that I am and always have been miserable here. It's because of my parents' house. It's the center of all things despair. They're both incredibly unhappy, and unwilling to face or change any of the things that are easily changed.
So, they've done what Americans have been trained to do: they eat. And I grew up in that environment. My mother and I never got along. We still don't, but it was even more acute as a kid, because I couldn't get away. I had no control over my life, because she micromanaged everything.
Everything except for what I put in my mouth.
My adult life has been relatively happy. But periods of great sadness in my life have led to me gaining weight, because in order to cope, I eat. It's something I can control.
But my life in Pittsburgh, despite this last semester kicking me in the teeth, has been pretty happy. I was able to lose weight. I gained some back when things got truly miserable. But coming back to this house, to what feels like a toxic environment where my parents live separate lives, and where my mother is incapable of acting like a human being, let alone an adult ... well, it's really brought my food issues front and center.
I took a big step today. We went up to see the extended family. I'm not a fan. It's stressful, and it's incredibly sad for a lot of reasons. Added to the rest of the week, it's a prime over-eating environment for me.
So, I ate breakfast before we left the house. I had one plate of food at the family lunch, and it wasn't even full. Everything was a reasonable portion. Now, I'm not saying any of it was good for me, but I didn't gorge myself. I didn't even have dessert.
It was a small thing. But for me, it was a really big step.
I've got a get-together with some old friends tomorrow evening. Then Sunday at 7:30, I'm headed back to Pittsburgh. Where Boyfriend will pick me up from the airport, and I'll give him a big huge hug.
In short, my life will make sense again.
4 months ago