Friday, July 31, 2009

Looking at your insides is weeeird

Today, Dear Readers, I was violated by a very cute and perky ultrasound technician. She didn't even buy me dinner first.

The plus side of this situation is that I don't have tons of cysts. I have one, and it's the "normal" kind. So, it comes down to the bloodwork.

And, if I weren't just so tired, I would tell you the story about the guy on the bus who was a litigious jerk. In fact, tomorrow I will. But for now, Comedy Central is calling my name.

My insides

Hello, Readers. My name is [redacted] and I'm an insomniac.

It's 2am here, and yet ... not sleepy. Generally, this is because I can sleep in as late as I want now that it's officially summer vacation, but mostly it's nerves tonight.

Tomorrow I see my insides. My doctor wants an ultrasound of my ovaries. And while I'll also get the blood test done, if there are cysts tomorrow, it means PCOS. Which really kind of sucks. I mean, it's not the end of the world. But it means permanent changes. And that blows.

In hilarious news, when I scheduled the ultrasound I made a huge ass of myself. I called the handy dandy number to the imaging department or whatever they're called, and indicated I need a pelvic ultrasound. The woman on the other end said, "Oh, so you're pregnant?" I shouldn't have been caught off guard -- that's the most common reason a woman would have an ultrasound. But I was a little shocked and it took me a second to respond. And when she asked again, "For pregnancy?" Instead of saying, "No, they think I have PCOS," I instead blurted out, "I'd better NOT be pregnant." What can I say? Five gets worried when she's not on her birth control pills, even when we're safe.

I don't think this woman was amused.

Anyway, at 1:30pm today (because it is past midnight, after all) I will see my ovaries. And I'll have one more clue in the puzzle of WTF is wrong with me.

Finally: is it in poor taste to name at least one of my ovaries "Lumpy" if I have cysts?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My grocey list

Thanks for the great comments on my last post. You ladies have given me a lot to think about with regard to how I see my body, and how that effects my progress. I've got lots of thoughts, but they're not ready for the blog yet. Sometime this week, have another post on the subject, I'm sure.

But for today, I'd like to share my awesome grocery trip. See, I'm trying to be better. Not that I'm bad overall, but it's always good to strive for healthier food, right? Here's what I came home with:

* Free range chicken tenderloins (~2lbs)
* Turkey smoked sausage (2 packs)
* Fresh shaved low fat turkey lunch meat (.7lb)
* Salmon fillets (1lb)
* Braeburn/Granny Smith apples
* Grapes
* Tomatoes
* Spring mix
* Low fat cheese slices
* Light and Fit yogurt (the big tub)
* Carrots
* Garlic Hummus
* Eggs
* 2 Amy's black bean burritos
* goat cheese
* pesto
* skim milk

I also have a ton of frozen veggies in my freezer, as well as a lot of Dreamfields in my pantry. I didn't buy bread, but I have a loaf for toast in the morning (the super thin sliced variety so I eat less of it).

Does this compare to what the rest of you are buying? Anything that I'm not buying that you always buy? I'm always up for new foods!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Interesting thought

So, I'm watching Harry Potter with Boyfriend, and I wonder ...

When do I stop being "fat"? Is it at my goal weight? When I hit a certain size? BMI? Percentage of body fat?

I'm 20+lbs lighter, and feel like I look a lot skinnier around my middle, but I still FEEL just as fat as I did at 214. Mentally, I'm still 214. I'm in awe when old clothes don't fit, or I can wear a size 14.

I think it's because I've been big since puberty (hello? PCOS sign? I think so). I've always identified myself as a "big girl" and I've always been ashamed of it. Starting this blog was hard for that reason. Typing "fat" is hard. There's a lot of baggage that goes along with that honesty.

So, when do I get to say I'm not fat anymore? I know there's no right answer, but what do y'all think?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Hairs cut

I got my hairs cut today, and I'm really not sure what to think about the new 'do. I'm really picky about my hair when it's short, so I leave it to you -- what do you think, Internet?

Edited to add: I like the length, but felt that the layers were a little poufy, so I broke out the straightening iron ... here are the results:

The verdict? LOVE.

I promise I'm done taking pictures of myself for a while :)

Friday, July 24, 2009

I'm not dying!

Hello, friends.

I'm just back from my meeting with my doctor re: my PCOS test.

Turns out, my results are possibly inconclusive. See, I had been off the pill for less than a month, so while my girly-whormones were a little out of whack, it may not be because my ovaries are staging a coup, but rather because they were all "WTF, were is my birth control, woman!?!"

So, we're running the test again. And we're going to do an ultrasound of my ovaries. Hawt, no?

But, in the meantime, she confirmed that my other bloodwork was normal -- great, even. My fasting blood sugar and insulin were indeed awesome. And my cholestrol was great. So, while I may have a mild case of PCOS, I don't have any of the scary symptoms that are really what's very problematic with the disorder.

Oh, and if I have it? I may be put on Metaformin (a drug generally prescribed for insulin resistance in PCOS patients) for a short while, which, evidently, will balance my hormones (and by that I clearly mean whoremones) and make it easier to lose weight. I don't have insulin resistance, so it's not as though it's something I would have to do, but it would probably make my weight loss easier and faster. And I'm all about that. I wouldn't have to be on it long-term, either. At most a year to drop the weight I want to, and then I'm back to medication-free. The great thing is, there really aren't side-effects (like actual diet drugs) and it's just balancing out my body so that the work I'm doing is more effective, like it is in people with "normal" metabolisms.

So, the news is -- there's really no news. I'm getting the conclusive tests done over the next few weeks. But, I feel better, knowing for sure that if I do have it, it's mild and treatable, and that after I lose weight, I may not even have to "treat" it. So, there you have it.

Oh, and something that was a lot more reassuring? My doctor has it, too. So she was able to give me first-hand experiences with the tests and medications.

Happy weekend, everyone! I'm going out with a group of friends to celebrate the fact that we've survived 1L and our 1L summers, and will be very bad, diet-wise. German resturant (the food of my people!). Beer. Carbs. Cheese.

But I'm doing an extra work out today. And in spite of the ice cream earlier this week, I've been very good, and have done a lot of cardio. Just no yoga until yesterday. Hear me justifying?

Anyway, I hope you're all as happy with your Friday as I am.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

What a difference a week makes

I went to yoga for the first time in a week today.

I wanted to die.

To be fair to my poor body, the fill-in for Catherine was ... hard. She was really hard. But it's amazing what a week away from yoga does to my body. I never got seriously winded (I've been doing my cardio!), but I could feel that I wasn't as flexible or strong, and my already weak shoulders really didn't enjoy downward-dog tonight.

But I did rock the balancing poses.

In other news, I'm discussing my test results with my doctor tomorrow at noon.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Law Post!

So, we got journal offers today. No Review for me, which is fine.

But I'm on the next-best journal. In fact, my law school classifies it as a review.

It was a long day of being tied to my email, and checking literally every 10 minutes. Without fail. From 9am when I got the first offer until I got the email for the journal I wanted at 6:45pm.

I'm exhausted. I'm ecstatic.

I feel like all my hard work has paid off. And like I have been vindicated, after being on the wait list to begin with.

And so, I gave myself the day off. And I'm eating ice cream. Yes, I will pay for this with harder workouts during the week. But you know what?

I'm fine with that.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Dear Elliptical: I want to marry you.

My weekend workout schedule this summer is hit or miss. Allow me to explain.

Boyfriend is home every other weekend this summer, because his job is 3.5 hours from our lovely shared apartment. So, on weekends he's not here, I do a pretty good job of kicking ass and taking names. Or, I at least make sure to work out twice. Whichever seems most prudent at the time.

But then there are the weekends when he is in town. You see, usually I spend most of my weekend workout time at yoga, to rid myself of the stress of the past week and get set up for a good week to come. But Boyfriend doesn't do yoga (yet -- he has promised to try it in the fall when he has more cash), and the weekend classes are 1.5 hours, so I counting the time it would take me to get to and from the studio, I would lose 2 hours of precious Boyfriend time.

That is completely unacceptable, when I get roughly 96 hours per month with him, and about half of those are spent sleeping.

Enter the campus fitness centers. You see, students here can use them for free with a student ID. So, we can go together and work out.

And today we did. Despite a heavy lunch (I blame Boyfriend for wanting to get Reubens. In my defense, I only ate half!), I think I did a pretty good job. I worked on the elliptical for about 50 minutes and burned 650 calories. I may be ready to graduate to the treadmill soon for part of my cardio workout -- the elliptical no longer makes my heart feel like it's going to pop out of my chest. I'm a little wary, just because I think I jumped in too fast last time. But, I can go an hour on the elliptical without stopping and while keeping my heart rate at a good hard cardio pace. It's probably time to just take the plunge.

But the real reason I want to marry the elliptical is because of what it does for my butt. I felt muscles there that I never even knew I had. I make sure to work my calves too, of course, but about 60% of my time with my favorite machine today was focused on my thighs and my glutes. I so very desperately want my thighs to not rub together when I walk. And I want my butt to be high and tight.

Aside from the elliptical and the chair-sits/lunges we do at yoga for the legs and glutes, anyone have any lower-body sculpting exercises you swear by? I'm all ears.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

LIfe is better today

Boyfriend's in town, and after a late-night "run" and a day of laundry (but otherwise laziness), I'm feeling much better.

The weather is gorgeous, and right outside the master balcony (be jealous), the sun is setting behind the hills of Pittsburgh. I'm lying in bed surfing the internet without the air on, and a nice breeze is rolling through the loft.

It's been a good day.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Why weekends (and booze) are necessary:

It has been one of those days.

You know the ones. They're the kind where you wake up 20 minutes late, and realize you have nothing clean that's appropriate for work. You don't have time to pack a healthy lunch. You forget an umbrella, and halfway to work it starts pouring.


But I think what really got me today was my meeting with the career counselor. You see, dear readers, Five wants to get one of those job things next summer after her second year of law school. She wants one that pays cash money. So, she made an appointment with the highly ineffective career services office at her law school.

Enough of the third person stuff.

Anyway, this woman, while meaning well, was completely ineffective. She tried to tell me that I should not consider Boyfriend in my search, because it was unlikely that it would "work out." And she attempted to tell me that while my GPA is in the range for on campus interviews, I am unlikely to find a paid job this summer. Even though I'm well within the top 20% of the class, and am probably closer to the top 15%. Everything I have heard from others has been contrary to this information. But she seemed to think that I was somehow destined to fail. Very encouraging. From the same office that told us that "oh, there won't be any jobs out there for 1Ls this summer." And lo and behold, we're all employed.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I waited 20 minutes for her to actually show up to the meeting, and when she finally did arrive she spent the entire time telling me to "not expect too much." Evidently a paycheck is "too much." To add insult to rudeness and injury, she dared to criticize my priorities, questioning my dedication to school and being a lawyer since I'm considering someone else's needs when making my employment decisions.

I won't be going back to that particular counselor anytime soon.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go for a run with Boyfriend. Since he's in town this weekend, I have a running buddy for nighttime runs again.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


My body has betrayed me.

You see, I had to go of the birth control pill for this PCOS test, to see if my body was producing adequate female hormones. I haven't had a "real" period in about 3 years, when I went on the BCP. So, this week has been ... fun.

I went on the pill for good at 21 not specifically because I was getting it on the regular (if memory serves, I wasn't when I made the decision). Rather, I had really heavy periods, and was experiencing a little extra hair shedding, and my dermatologist thought it would help.

I didn't know about PCOS back then. I just did what my doctor told me. Stupid, stupid 21 year old girl.

What I'm trying to say is, I miss my pills. And my ovaries are treacherous little bitches. Not only to they probably not do their job by ovulating, but they also make my life a living hell once a month.

I've been mega-crampy. I've been irritable. I've had issues getting to sleep, then getting out of bed in the morning. I haven't had any of those problems (at least as they relate to my period) since I was a teenager. And honestly, it's been so long ago now that I don't remember if I had them this severely as a teenager, or if I was just stupid and dramatic like most 16 year olds are.

The side effect of this lovely occurrance is an increase in my carbs. I crave them in a way I can't explain. Luckily, I still eat all my normal healthy foods, but have added a little no-sugar-added ice cream to the mix. Tonight I had a piece of sugar-free apple pie. I may have done the same thing yesterday. And on Sunday.

Pretty much, I feel like there's a raging hormonal beast inside me, wanting to burst out. I've been weepy, then turned right around and been a rage-a-holic. I'm normally not clingy or overly emotional, but this week I have been a basket case.

And as much as I would love to have Boyfriend around for rubbing my very sore back and letting me cuddle him at night, I'm glad he doesn't have to see me like this. Because I'm pretty much a huge bitch. And a clingy psycho girl. And a crier. Three for the price of one this week.

So, please shoot me. And move my doctor's appointment up so I can get back on my magic pills. Because my lady parts? They hate me.

The feeling is mutual. Trust me.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Before and now photos ... progress!

So, I figured I'd give you guys (and myself) some side-by side photos to compare. The new ones are again taken with my Macbook, b/c Boyfriend isn't around to help me take pics of myself.

Spring '08 and Summer '07


Same Jeans, Same Brown Pants:

Sunday, July 12, 2009

We'll see how long these last ...

My new Mac clearly as an iSight camera. So, I took some really gross post-yoga pics. I took some "normal" ones, but I'll only include the ones that have an "effect" b/c it kind of disguises what I look like.

Plus, a few "normal" pics of my torso.

See? You almost can't see how sweaty and gross I am.

I'm pretty much a huge cheeseball.

And this last one is pretty much how I look while I'm reading your blogs.

And now, my torso, in all its chubby glory, again taken with my iSight camera:

So, there you have it. That's where I am ~23 or so pounds down.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I always hated test days


I've been seeing a new doctor. She's pretty nifty. I needed a new doctor because, with the move to the new city, and my turning the ripe old age of 24, I am soon to be kicked from my parents' insurance. And, you know, it's good to have a doctor in town, and not rely solely upon the student health center.

Part of the barrage of tests she ran about two weeks ago was a test for PCOS (and random more, you know, normal things, like thyroid, cholesterol, etc). I knew PCOS was a possibility, but the thought of it freaks. me. the. hell. out. There are a lot of complications that are possible -- an increased risk of heart disease. Diabetes. Infertility (dont' care about that one, as I don't want babies). Uterine cancer.

So, when I got a call on Monday to "come in and discuss my results" and then they scheduled my appointment for THREE WEEKS from the time of their call ... well, I freaked. Because SOMETHING is up, or they would call me and say, "You're good. Go about your life."

So, I fixated. I called back and left a message asking for my test results. No call back. I called again the next day. No call back. I finally called this morning and indicated that the results of my test could be, you know, IMPORTANT and I didn't want to wait three weeks to figure out if I was, you know, diabetic, or if I had scarily high cholesterol b/c my ovaries hate me. And that, if you could please take about 5 minutes, call me back like your pre-recorded message says you will.

A very nice nurse got back to me this afternoon.

I am not diabetic -- in fact, my blood sugar was at the low end of the range (74 after a fast) which, from waht I can tell from the internet, is DAMN SKIPPY. My thyroid is in the normal range. My cholesterol is good. It's still possible I have PCOS (really, quite probable -- the nurse talked about how there were "hormonal red flags" that she felt the doctor was more prepared to discuss with me). But at least I don't have any of the major complications a lot of women have. I may not be ovulating, and we may need to regulate my estrogen. But that's something I can handle. And I am no longer freaking out about every piece of food I put in my body, thinking I will go into a diabetic coma.

Yes, I know I am paranoid.

But that doesn't change how very real the fear felt.

So. On July 24th I will know.

And, I will tell all three of you who read this.

Until then, I will take comfort in knowing that weight loss and the low GI diet are actually great things for the PCOS, should I have it.

And Mar -- if you get tested, please don't freak out like I did. :) You're probably just fine.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Too good to be true

Hello, friends.

So, the 180s were a bit premature, as I had anticipated. I weighed in around 193 plus or minus a pound and a half before the cold of death, and after weighed in at 189.0. After a week of eating normally again, I stepped on the scale this morning to the tune of 190.5.

I'll take it.

In other news, Happy 4th to you all. To celebrate we (and I use the term loosely) made pan-seared sirloin steaks (appropriately doused in herbs) and zucchini and baby asparagus with garlic and salt. Boyfriend has discovered sugar free Oreos, and has consumed ... well, I won't tell you how many. It's a little worrisome. Needless to say, we're enjoying the weekend. The weather is nice, we can see (most of) the floor in the new apartment finally, and Boyfriend is a superior cook.

And, because Boyfriend gave me the "why don't you LOVE ME?!?!" look when he realized I had not purchased Diet Coke (what? I have been trying to limit my caffeine and aspartame intake, and kick my addiction to the stuff!), we went to the grocery today. I highly recommend purchasing soda on the 4th of July. We got 5 fridge packs of our favorite Coca-Cola products for $12. Which, since Boyfriend isn't really living here this summer, will sit in the pantry pretty much until he comes home for good in the fall. Well, four of them will. I will probably slowly drink the 5 or so he will leave me of the 12 pack currently in the fridge.

And now, to enjoy a quiet night of movies and laundry, which will doubtless be interrupted by our neighbors setting of highly illegal fireworks in the middle of the city.

I wish I could say I'd be surprised. But, from what I saw after we won the Superbowl and Stanley Cup, nothing surprises me anymore. I just hope my car is safe.